okay, im not going to lie or hide my past.
back in the day i went through some dark dark times. went through events that a normal kid shouldnt go through. it changed the way i looked at people and looked at myself. it ultimately harden my heart from any type of true relationship or feelings. through these events, i started to hear voices in my head saying i was nothing and no one truly liked me or loved me. at first it was just a little bit but it got worst. the voices started to invade my dreams to the point where i could barely sleep. i couldnt determine between my own voice in my head, God’s voice, or the devil’s voice. my mind was in such a mess that everything blended together. i would wake up multiple times to the voices yelling at me and screaming all these lies and hurtful things. but i believed them, i believed that i was nothing and that no one understood what i was going through. i trained myself to hide the true reality that i was living; trained to put on this smile, this laughter, this “other me” for everyone to see. but in reality i was hurting, and drowning myself in these thoughts and feelings and burdens in my life.
it got to the point where i just couldnt take it anymore, the voices telling me to leave this world. this world that i had no place in. the voices were so clear to me that i just gave in.. and i tried to take my life. i didnt call anyone or texted anyone for that whole week. preparing myself, preparing my mind, to leave this world. towards the end of the week, i felt like it was the right time to disappear and to never come back. so i went to my garage to take my life. i had everything ready, everything to the T.
as i was about to kill myself, this voice whispered to me. this kind, gentle voice spoke to me and said, “I Love You! Through all your highs and lows, I have always loved you. I have plans for you still in this world. and with Me, all things are possible. I Love you My son and I shall always be here for you.” this voice was the most calming voice i have ever heard. i felt like the world was then lifted off my chest and shoulders freeing me of my thoughts and burdens. i had this feeling in my heart/soul area, this warm feeling like if you drank a perfect cup of hot chocolate on a beautiful winter night. it was that feeling but times infinity. still in shock of what had just happened, and walked outside. soaking in all that i had heard, i looked up into the night sky, and the stars were ridiculously bright. for some odd reason i felt that the heavens were cheering for me that i was okay. that i didnt give into the lies and took my life. i felt that God was there too, saying “I’m proud of you.”
i still struggle with here and there, with doubting myself and my own abilities. sometimes loosing sight of who I AM and what is too come. but i know God has my back, and he has surrounded me with people that love me and will help me when im down. and join me on my highs. i am truly grateful for what God has been doing on my life since that night. and im excited to see what God has in store for me. with God by my side, and friends and family behind me.. im ready to take on the world
New International Version (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
New International Version (NIV)
33 “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”